January 1, 2003 - 12:00pm - Rene Drumm

The Roman Catholic Church has recently come under fire for its silence and co- conspiracy concerning sexual abuse by its clergy. Is it time for us as Adventists to do some soul-searching concerning our own practices in dealing with clergy misconduct, to put a stop to similar tragedies in our own backyard?

 

How big is the problem of clergy sexual misconduct in the Adventist church today? (Clergy here refers to all members of the ministry, including pastors, administrators, educators, coaches, and lay leaders.) Not surprisingly, the church has no official records of sexual misconduct committed throughout the church worldwide. Research on sexual misconduct, however, indicates that when approached through anonymous surveys, approximately 10 to 24 percent of clergy in general will admit to engaging in some type of sexual misconduct (Muck, 1988; Goetz, 1992). Unfortunately, this statistic is probably not far from the mark within the Adventist church as well. Women and men who have long kept secrets of their victimization are now coming to the forefront and confronting their abusers. At least one Internet web site is dedicated to clergy and educator abuse specifically targeted toward Adventists. This site notes that in one survey of Adventist women, 30 percent said they had been sexually abused (http://www.advocateweb.com/cease/). That is, one in every three or four women-a staggering statistic. If these figures are any indication of the magnitude of the problem in our church, it is imperative that we do something about it.

 

What is Clergy Sexual Misconduct?

 

At the heart of sexual misconduct lies someone's abuse of their power within a trusting relationship, and someone else's vulnerability. Any person with authority of some kind has power that invites vulnerability in other people. People can get this type of power from their employment role, or from their age, gender, race and socioeconomic status, or their physical, intellectual, or social resources (Kaiser, 1996). Whenever a person in such a power position allows or encourages a sexual relationship with someone in his jurisdiction, it is sexual misconduct. [Note: in using the word 'his' in describing the person in power, it does not limit sexual misconduct to males. Females can also be abusers; however, most cases of clergy sexual misconduct are perpetrated by males and will be addressed as such throughout this article.]

 

Obviously, any sexual behavior between an adult and a child is sexual misconduct. Regardless of the age of the victim, any activity in which the clergy kisses, touches or hugs with sexual intent, or uses sexually explicit language with someone under his care (a parishioner, student, employee, or volunteer), is sexual misconduct.

 

While these definitions highlight physical sexual abuse, it is important to understand emotional sexual abuse as well. Emotional sexual abuse occurs when clergy develop an emotionally intense relationship with people in their care that is exploitive. Whenever a person in power allows or encourages an inappropriate emotional attachment in which another individual feels powerless and used, it is sexual misconduct. In fact, any time the person with less power is led to feel "special," or unique to the person in power, in an emotional attachment or relationship, a subtle form of abuse and increased vulnerability may well be present.

 

How Abusive Relationships Form

 

An example: A young female college student, dedicated to her Christian witnessing group, is asked to help out more and more by the group's leader. She readily agrees as her good Adventist upbringing would require her to do. The leader notices her dedication and remarks on it publicly. The appreciation is nice and feels affirming. The leader features her in a student leadership position and she is known to other members of the group as an "insider." As time goes on, the leader takes the young woman more and more into his confidence. He loves his wife, but she doesn't understand how important his work is. He's glad to have the help of the young woman. The woman considers herself a friend of the family and is often invited to the family's home. She helps care for his children and is friendly, although not close to his wife. Months go by and finally the day comes when in the basement of the leader's home, he reaches out to her and pulls her to his lap. The woman is stunned-unable to act. She is only able to react, that is, go along with her trusted leader's actions. The thought passes through her head that, of course, the man she has looked up to must need her. He begins to kiss her. She feels confused, flattered, scared. These incidents escalate and end with him one day coming to the room where she is sleeping and assaulting her there. She at first resists, but later succumbs with no apparent alternative. Silence and fear become her companions. Guilt and hurt well up inside.

 

Abusive relationships seldom "just happen." While research documents that some clergy are naive or uninformed, with poorly defined boundaries (Muse 1992), usually more calculating motives are at work. Often clergy who engage in sexual misconduct use others to meet their own unhealthy needs by choosing vulnerable, trusting victims. People who have a history of being any kind of abuse victim are frequent targets of subsequent abuse. Knowing who to trust is difficult, if not impossible. Abusers seem to have a talent for knowing who might be potential victims.

 

One of the first steps abusers take after identifying a potential victim is to gain that person's trust. This can be done in several ways, such as being needy themselves and asking the potential victim for help. Because the abuser is in a position of power or charismatic, the person generally complies. Another way to gain trust is to give the message that the potential victim is "special." One abuser wrote notes to the person he abused and would begin the note by saying, "Hi Special." In addition, this abuser would often tell his victims that they were special. He gave them presents that he would make himself as tokens of his attachment.

 

Abusers gain trust also by making the potential victim a confidant. Often, he will share with her a secret or confide sadly about his poor marriage. One victim was asked to carry a large amount of cash on a trip for her abuser who was heading an organization on tour. The abuser's spouse was on the trip, but the victim was asked to secretly handle the money for them. Those kinds of secrets can invite a false trust within the victim toward the abuser. They are tempted to think, "He really can't do without me."

 

Another step in the abuse relationship is to break down the personal boundaries of the potential victim. Since the abuser is often loving by nature, physical closeness may be part of the person's "way of being." This kind of invasion is often subtle and absorbed by the victim without notice. One survivor recalled, "sometimes around the table, he would put his leg against mine or pat my back or my arm and just come into my space. This affection I didn't perceive as wrong. He treated me with kindness, affirmation, and even said I was like a daughter. One time he kissed me on the cheek while I was on the phone, even this didn't seem to concern me." Looking back on these events, however, the victim could see how her personal boundaries were invaded and eventually led to sexual abuse.

 

It is the extreme subtlety of these invasions that cause victims to ignore the signals that something might be amiss. An abuser who shared an office with a student worker would change his clothes in the same office while the female student worker was in the room with her back to him. "Many times I would be in the middle of typing something in the small office. He would tell me to keep on typing while he changed clothes behind my back."

 

After a time of "grooming" the potential victim, the abuser carefully chooses a time and place to make a more blatant overture. This unexpected advance usually takes the victim by surprise, not knowing what to do. "It wasn't long after living with the [family] that he surprised me by showing up in my bedroom. He would come in to wake me up after he'd showered. Mrs. probably thought he was up studying the Bible. He came into my room and lay beside me and kissed me. His kisses were sort of like his lips were too big for my mouth."

 

After an abusive incident, the victim often feels trapped and paralyzed, and sometimes intrigued or dazed. "The defining moment that distinguishes victimization is when the person is rendered powerless" (Mercadante, 2000:288). Almost immediately, the victim recognizes that there is no way out. She cannot say, "No." She cannot tell anyone. She cannot believe it herself. She no longer trusts herself, her abuser, or the world she had previously known.

 

How Does Clergy Sexual Misconduct Affect Victim/Survivors?

 

The effect of clergy sexual misconduct on its victims is much like that of a Mack truck colliding with a grasshopper. The greater the power difference, the greater the devastation. "There is no going back once a person has been victimized. Normal patterns of self-protection and control, feelings of safety, cherished beliefs, trust, patterns of human connection, and one's sense of meaning and self-efficacy have all been challenged and irrevocably altered" (Mercadante, 2000: 288). Victim/survivors confront the need to heal emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

 

Physical Issues

It is not uncommon for victim/survivors to have many physical symptoms resulting from their abuse, including sleep disturbance, sexual dysfunction, persistent somatic disorders, and mood swings. One victim/survivor commented, "I continue to have dreams that revolve around [my abuser]. I wish I could get away from them." More than 20 years have past since this victim/survivor ended the relationship with her abuser, yet she continues to experience sleep disturbance.

 

Emotional Distress

The emotional distress that comes from victimization is tremendous. Victim/survivors report feeling shame and guilt, betrayal, rage, helplessness, depression, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, abandonment, loss of trust, self-loathing and despair. One survivor remembers a predominant feeling of fear. "I was scared I'd get pregnant, afraid we'd get caught because he often abused me in his house with his wife and children in another room."

 

A combination of fear and guilt often will keep a victim silent and prevent her from protecting herself. "I didn't tell for a long time because I had lots of feelings of guilt over potentially changing the [organization] forever, let alone the sanctity of his marriage and his family. I think because I was single that made it difficult because I struggled with the issue of who would ever want to date me knowing that about me."

 

Spiritual Despair

The experiences of victim/survivors remind us that clergy sexual misconduct has eternal consequences. One writer describes the effects on the victims as rape of the spirit (Hadman-Cromwell, 1991). Victim/survivors may experience a sense that the divine order is abrogated and suffer losses such as seeing the church as an unsafe haven, losing confidence in the teachings of the church, and losing faith in God. One survivor explains, "Often the deed was done on Friday night or early Saturday morning. He would read the Bible before breakfast and ask me to go to church. How could I be interested in a church he goes to? Sometimes he would hold my hand while he was naked and would ask God to forgive us or have me pray for forgiveness. This little routine of praying for forgiveness naked was repeated many times. Mixing God with sexual abuse has been devastating for me. This kind of spiritual abuse wreaks havoc in me."

 

Behavioral Consequences

Because of the hurtful effects of victimization, victim/survivors often experience changes in their behaviors to try to deal with the pain. These behaviors may include: self- mutilation, substance abuse, prostitution, unprotected sexual involvements (with their own consequences of sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, and abortion), suicide attempts, troubled relationships, and isolation.

 

One survivor remembers, "After my first sexualization with [my abuser], I started self-stimulation. He awakened my sexuality and I had no other outlet. I had a hard time dating and leaving things asexual after that. I felt that I wasn't good enough for the ideal guy that I pictured in my mind. I ended up getting married quickly to a non-SDA because I was pregnant. I am trying to live with the consequences of that decision currently and it will always be a thorn in my flesh. I am made to feel unintelligent for believing the Bible and that Jesus died for my sins. I feel like I am in a constant battle with eternal consequences. I realize I have to take some responsibility for my behavior after my abuse, but just about every important decision in my life was tainted by the fact that he sexualized me. "

 

What We Need to Do to End Clergy Abuse in our Church

 

To Current and Former Victims

Realize that this is not your fault. First and foremost, it is important to remember that this situation is not your fault. Even if you in hindsight can imagine how your naivete contributed to the situation, or now looking back you can see signs that could have been a warning signal to you, it was not your responsibility to do so. It was clearly the person in power's responsibility to protect you, not abuse you. Whatever it takes for you to believe that it is not your fault-do it, think it, talk it through until it is accomplished and you can say with confidence, "This is not my fault."

 

Tell someone. Then, keep telling people until you are heard and believed. There will be people who do not believe you. Realize that many people do not want to believe that sexual abuse happens, let alone happens to someone they know. Don't make that unbelief about you and your credibility a reality. Keep telling until you find someone to support you and help you get what you need. Besides what you can begin doing for yourself by telling someone, you may help protect another potential victim. If you keep your victimization a secret, you leave the door open for others to be abused by your abuser.

 

Get support. You've gone through a stressful and extremely painful ordeal. You will need support. If you can get that from a professional counselor such as a clinical social worker or psychologist, that would be great. Joining a support or therapy group can also be very healing. In addition to these options, find a good listener, someone you trust, and let that person give you support.

 

Get Information. Find out all that you can about clergy sexual misconduct. Surf the web, go to the library, make phone calls or whatever method of investigation that works for you. The more you know about what this phenomenon is all about, the easier your healing time will be.

 

To Parents, Friends and Church Members

Believe your child, young adult, coworker, church member, or peer. Remember that abusers are often very charismatic people who are loving and warm, people we want to trust, men who have often done much good in the world. That is why so often, a parent or friend's first reaction is, "No, Elder So-and So? Are you sure? Couldn't it be that he was just . . . " This is not a helpful response for someone for whom it has just taken every ounce of courage to tell her secret.

 

To Churches and Organizations

It is imperative that churches, schools, and organizations act now to have an IMPACT on clergy sexual misconduct within the Adventist Church. In brief: Investigate allegations of abuse

Make policies about sexual misconduct and follow them

Provide prevention information

Act - the offender must be stopped

Compensate victim/survivors

Take victims at their word - believe them

 

Investigate allegations of abuse. People in leadership positions in churches, school administrators, and organizational leaders must not put their "heads in the sand" and hope an allegation of sexual misconduct will "go away." If you do this, be prepared to take full responsibility for any future victims who may surface under your watch. If you know of a complaint or allegation and do nothing, you are as responsible as the offender. You become a coconspirator in the abuse.

 

Make policies about sexual misconduct and follow them. Within your organization (church, school, etc.), are there clearly stated policies about sexual misconduct? Do you have well-articulated procedures to follow in the event of an accusation of misconduct? If not, it is every member's responsibility to make sure they exist. If you are a member of church reading this and don't know the answer to these questions, give your pastor a call. If he doesn't know, then you probably are not protecting your most vulnerable members.

 

Provide prevention information. One of the most destructive beliefs today is the myth that if we don't talk about a problem, it does not or will not exist. Nothing could be further from the truth. We must equip people to protect themselves from abuse within our church structures: our churches, schools, and organizations. We can do this by holding special programs featuring abuse prevention information. We must also educate those in leadership positions about their own vulnerabilities and help them to see healthy alternatives to getting their needs met.

 

Act -it is up to each one of us to stop the offender. Whenever we hear of an allegation of abuse, we must do our part to see to it that the allegation is investigated. If the allegation is supported (and most are), it is our duty to assure the victim that the offender will not have access to future victims.

 

Compensate victim/survivors-it is important to offer victims the message that we understand they were wronged. We should have done more to help. We should ask, "What do you need from us to get your life back on track: counseling, relocation, a public apology, a church/school or organizational educational program put in place?" While money does not heal emotional and spiritual wounds, it sends a message of acknowledgment that the person was wronged. This is certainly an appropriate measure.

 

Take victims at their word--believe them. One of the most harmful events for people that have been abused is the pain of not being believed. Clergy abuse happens because some people are more powerful than others. Those in power are more likely to be believed than those with less power. While it is important to be fair to the accused and investigate the accusation objectively, it is important to give the message, "I believe you" to the victim right from the start.

 

Can clergy sexual misconduct be eliminated in the Adventist church? I believe the answer is a resounding, "Yes!" It is not only possible, it is our imperative, our duty, to address these issues. Jesus served as our example as he stood on the temple steps exposing the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. It was an uncomfortable time for the disciples and it caused some people to turn away wondering. We cannot let the prospect of discomfort turn us away from doing what is required. Jesus commissions us, "Feed my sheep." That is, "Take care of the flock I've entrusted to you." We must stand up for the most vulnerable among us and do whatever we can to stop abuse in our church.

 

Renee Drumm is Associate Professor of Social Work and Interpersonal Practice Coordinator at Andrews University, Berrien Springs, Michigan. Email: Rdrumm@andrews.edu

 

References

CEASE: Clergy and Educator Abuse Survivors Empowered! (2002). Available: www.advocateweb.com/cease/ (Accessed 2/22/02).

Goetz, D. (1992). Is the pastor's family safe at home. Leadership. 13(4), 38-44.

Hadman-Cromwell, Y. (1991). Power and sexual abuse in ministry. Journal of Religious Thought. Summer/fall 48(1) 65-72.

Kaiser, H. (1996). Clergy sexual abuse in U.S. mainline churches. American Studies International. April 34(1) 30-41.

Mercadante, L. (2000). Anguish: Unraveling sin and victimization. Anglican Theological Review. Spring, 82(2), 283-303.

Muck, T. C. (1988). How common is pastoral indiscretion?: A leadership survey. Leadership. 9(1), 12-13.

Muse, J. S. (1992). Faith, hope, and the "urge to merge" in pastoral ministry: Some countertransference-related distortions of relationships between male pastors and their female parishioners. Journal of Pastoral Care, 46(3), 299-308.