Itπs late August, and our church is holding its annual weekend retreat at our lakeside Seventh-day Adventist youth camp. The pine chapel is sweltering inside, even though itís 7:30 p.m. and the outside temperature has already dropped ten degrees due to our northern clime. One lone fan sits on the floor, spinning its blades in a futile attempt to cool the room. Its breezes offer relief to only the five or six individuals lucky enough to sit close to it. The rest of us are fanning ourselves and trying to concentrate on the speaker, despite the heat. Then someone pushes back his folding chair, walks over to the fan and unplugs it. He places it in the open window pointing out and replugs it. Within minutes, cool outside air is streaming in through the other windows, and all of us feel relief.

I relate to that little, hardworking fan. I love the Lord and I want to spread around his cheer. My Christian worldview is like a keel that provides me ballast during the hard times and gives me joy when I ride the waves. I want to share these benefits. But am I just spinning my blades like the fan at the beginning of the meeting, or am I actually effective as a witness for Christ?

Take this week, for example. In the past 7 days Iíve taught the kindergarten Sabbath School, purchased a baby shower gift for a young mother who no longer regularly attends our church (but used to), and babysat my friendís kids so she could attend her Episcopal catechism class for new converts.

I squeezed in exercise 3 days, personal worship 2 days. I sat on the school board of our local Adventist school and contributed $20 to the appreciation gift for our principal. I took time for an afternoon tryst with my husband. Earlier in the week I worked with him on our budget. I picked up a 7th grader for his ski lesson (which we pay for, along with our own boysí lessons), and skied with my boys and him afterwards.

I had lunch with a friend I hadnít seen in a while and listened to her bare her soul about her 12-year-oldís obsessive/compulsive disorder. Twice I woke up early, had a little talk with the Lord for 10 minutes, then fell back to sleep. Iíve talked with him a lot in the car on the way to or from my sonsí school and appointments. I tutored after school. I read to my boys from Champions of the King: The Story of the Apostles (a Review and Herald publication) three separate nights and tucked them into bed with prayers and a kiss five of the nights. These things are fairly usual occurrences.

More unusual was the opportunity to travel to an out-of-state wedding with my college-aged niece, who is newly engaged. I tried to drop little tidbits of reality into her concept of marriage without tarnishing the euphoria of young love. At the bed and breakfast where we stayed the night before the wedding, I fell into discussion with the proprietor and found out that she, a non-Adventist, is sending her two children to an Adventist elementary school. After I identified myself as an Adventist, I asked if she was happy with their experience. She mostly definitely was.

I asked if she had noticed any conservative tendencies towards dress, confiding that ìjust as there are different-flavored Baptist churches, local Adventist churches have differing attitudes towards appropriate Christian dress, with the smaller country churches usually being the more conservative.î I weathered a story about painted fingernails. Across from me sat Adventist Education Exhibit A: the lovely, well-spoken collegiate wearing tiny studs in her ears and sporting an engagement ring. The hostess noticed the ring and commented. Later she asked if Iíd like to snowshoe with her before the wedding. I accepted her offer and we spent an hour conversing about what we hoped for our children.

Also during this week, Iíve had a disagreement with my husband. Twice Iíve been intemperate and have read into the wee hours of the night. ìMom, are you having a bad day?î asked my 9-year-old at 7:15 a.m. the next day. During this week Iíve walked the fine line between gossip and ìsharing a prayer requestî when I told a mutual friend about the above 12-year-oldís obsessive-compulsive difficulties. My kids have reminded me twice in the car on the way to school, ìMom, we havenít said morning prayer!î I also blew one-third of the yearís clothing budget for myself at one big sale. And I ate at a restaurant with my family on Friday night, instead of our normal candlelit dinner.

Am I demonstrating ìunusual effectivenessî in my spiritual life? I donít know, and Iím not sure the Lord wants me to know. Couldnít that be construed as pride if I were sure of the efficacy of the above (positive only, please) actions? I try to ìoffer my daily life as a fragrant offering to God,î but I often wonder if I should be doing more...like starting an Adventurerís Club or leading a Crown Financial Ministries small group. In the meantime, I do things like mismanage time and overstep budgets. But I also take time to enjoy my husband. I get hugs from my son, who thanks me for being a good mom and ìlistening to me in my sad times,î and appreciative comments from friends.

In a way, Iím working out. Just like my time at the gym, Iím working out my salvation (the choices of my daily life) in fear and trembling (the tension of not always knowing if am I choosing the best). And I pray, ìLord, help me be effective. I want to be the fan in the window.î